Dear Dr. M,
You never apologized, but I forgive you. I know you likely never gave your words or actions a second thought and you'll likely never see this letter, but in case you do... I hope you can learn from this and do better.
I am writing this letter as I prepare for the birth of my second baby and push past the birth trauma that was mostly caused by your actions and words. I had a non-emergent transfer to the hospital from my planned home birth due to my water being broken for 24 hours with no cervical change. After an additional 22 hours of labor at the hospital, I was finally pushing. As soon as my temperature rose slightly, you were called into the room. You immediately said "you need a c-section or vacuum delivery" without even observing me for a second. I pleaded for a few more contractions worth of pushes and you said okay as you walked away to put on gloves and a gown. I heard you across the room laughing as you said "this is what she gets for wanting a home birth." I used that comment as fuel to my fire to get my baby out, but by the way- it was my previous observation of bullying from obstetricians like you that made me want a home birth. Anyways, I closed my eyes and gave every push with contractions everything I had to get my baby out without the vacuum or needing a c-section. Before I knew it you told me to open my eyes and grab my baby. I was overcome with emotions of happiness that she was in my arms I did not realize what had just happened...
You quickly told me that I had "torn" to the 4th degree and needed stitches. Later my husband told me he saw you cut and give me an episiotomy as soon as you got to me- I confirmed with the nurse who checked my chart-- 4th-degree episiotomy. You lied to me. After stitching me up you stuffed me with three armlengths of gauze. I found this out an hour later when I could not hold my baby as I was in such excruciating pain I was cursing like a sailor and coming from someone who never curses, not even in the 56 hours of labor I endured, I think that says a lot. It felt like I was being torn apart as the gauze was being pushed out by my body, pushing against the freshly stitched cut you made without my knowledge or consent. You came in and looked surprised as you pulled three arm lengths of gauze out of me... Did you mean to leave it there?
Throughout the first 6 months of my daughter's life, I struggled a lot. I felt and still feel completely violated and disgusted. You stripped away my basic rights not only as a patient but as a human. You had poor bedside manner- except with my husband whom you tried joking with and complementing his backpack. You did not inform me, let alone get my consent to touch, cut, or vacuum my baby out of me. You lied to me. You abused me. What happened to the oath you took in medical school to "first, do no harm"? I really hope you learn that your words and actions especially in the position of power you have as a doctor can go with and affect someone their whole life. You have the power to help women have a great birthing experience or make them feel completely violated and traumatized. I hope you choose to do better.
I've held on to this anger towards you for over a year and a half now and it has served me by fueling my fire to continue being a doula to help advocate for and protect women in their most vulnerable state, but it is no longer serving me to hold on to it.
I forgive you and I am praying for you.
Just in case you're wondering how I am doing now, I am doing great thanks to the LORD, my God! He is a redeemer and in about 2-3 months' time, I will be rocking my home birth surrounded by my loving and supportive team. On top of that, He is using my birth story and trauma for good. I am better equipped to serve my doula clients and teach women and their partners how to advocate for themselves. I am able to spread the good news that the LORD, my God is a redeemer! It reminds me of the story of Joseph in the Bible- his brothers were jealous of him so they threw him in a pit and ended up selling him. He ended up being the Pharaoh of Egypt's right-hand man and saving many people. When his brothers went to him and he revealed who he was, he said in Genesis 45:5 "And now do not be angry with yourselves because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life." When his brothers feared him, he said in Genesis 50:20 "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today."
- Serenity Howard
To the fellow mama reading this with birth trauma,
I just want to take a moment and say that #1 I am very sorry for what you've been through. I don't know what it is, but I know it was hard. #2 Even if you have a healthy baby in your arms after birth, it does not cancel out or make the birth trauma you endured any better. It is okay to be upset and angry that your birth did not go as you had hoped. It is okay to be upset that precious time with your baby was taken from you as you received care or grieved your birth plans. A year and a half in and although the physical wounds are healed, the emotional one still feels as fresh as the day I got it some days, but for the most part, it feels mostly healed as well. It is okay to take your time to heal and not be ready to forgive anyone who did you wrong during your birth if anyone, but I promise when you are, it will feel like a weight off your shoulders. Sending you a virtual hug!
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